Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
