well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
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