as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
