I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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