Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
