I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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