The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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