When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
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i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
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Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize