An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
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Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
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If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
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