So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
This is not my ceiling
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
