Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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