saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
