please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
