yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I just threw up on my dentist
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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