Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
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I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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