Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
you inspire me to be a worse person
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
