you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
