Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
