where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
