I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
