Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
