I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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