Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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