The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
