i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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