Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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