Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
