Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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