apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
