i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
