sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
