3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
