i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
