How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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