I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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