Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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