I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
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Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
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It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
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