There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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