I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
