It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
