Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.