Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.