If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
