what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
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