I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
