The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
