your parents love me but you hate me
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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