So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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