i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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