I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
