I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
