just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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