Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
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We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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