It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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