I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
