Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
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The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
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Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
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