I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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