I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
