sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
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Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
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Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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