i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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