she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
